SCENE ONE

THE STREETS OF TROMAVILLE

 

VOICE-OVER

OMINOUS UNDERSCORING. New York City, the world capital of culture and industry. Here, civilization is guided by the wonders of technology. But there is a price to pay for all this industrial advancement: POLLUTION! – the unavoidable byproduct of today’s society. Every year, millions of gallons of poisonous waste are dumped across the river in New Jersey - in towns like TROMAVILLE!!

 

BOZO and JULIE enter. BOZO carries a barrel of toxic waste on his shoulder. He’s an anxiety-ridden, muscle-bound meathead. JULIE, a buxom babe, watches him adoringly. Following behind are SLUGGO and WANDA. SLUGGO carries a girl’s lunch box. He’s an easy-going sleaze-bag, and WANDA is a tough broad. SLUGGO pulls a zip-lock bag filled with cocaine out of the lunchbox and takes a hit.

 

BOZO

(to SLUGGO) Hey, what about me, Slug?! Gimme some a dat!

 

BOZO sets the barrel down, and SLUGGO hands him the bag. BOZO puts it over his face and inhales, covering his face with white powder.

 

SLUGGO

Don’t snort the whole thing! The Mayor’ll crucify me.

 

JULIE

Oh, Bozo! That’s stuff’s gonna make you real spunky. And just thinkin’ about you gettin’ spunky makes me all tingly.

 

They do a wild dance, throwing themselves at each other and around the stage.

 

WANDA

Sluggo, let’s hit the streets!

 

SLUGGO

How bad you wanna?

 

WANDA

Way bad!

 

JULIE

Oo, hit and run.

 

WANDA

Those little kids never know what hit ‘em!

 

WANDA

Hit and run, man!

 

SLUGGO

We get closer and closer…

 

BOZO

Drivin’ faster and faster…

 

SLUGGO

And some dweeb’s just standing there…

 

BOZO

And then we squash ‘im!

 

SLUGGO

And crush ‘im!

 

WANDA

And splash ‘im!

 

JULIE

And squish ’im!

 

WANDA and JULIE

Ooooooo…

 

BOZO

Tromaville is totally tubular, man!

 

BOZO

It’s a freaky little place to get your rocks off!

SLUGGO

And we got the kinda crack that knocks your socks off

BOZO

There’s nowhere else where murder’s just a misdemeanor!

SLUGGO

And there’s always someplace nice to tuck your weiner!

 

BOZO

Under the turnpike

SLUGGO

Down by the shore

 

BOTH

The lip of Jersey

Has a little cold sore!

 

BOZO

 Cheap thrills in Tromaville

SLUGGO

Where all the girls are skanks

BOZO

And their hair’s humungous!

BOTH

 Where tha aroma will

Saturate your brain with germs and fungus!

Cheap thrills, oil spills

In Tromaville!

 

MELVIN enters. He’s geeky-looking. He carries a mop and a comic book. He watches the girls, unseen.

 

JULIE

 Though the town is just a pile of toxic rubble

WANDA

It’s a kinky little place to stir up trouble

JULIE

Where a chick who’s got a rack’s a big attraction!

WANDA

And any girl in heat can find some action!

 

JULIE

Rev up the engines

WANDA

And hit the street

BOTH

Two nasty ladies

And two hunks of man meat!

 

JULIE

So sweet in Tromaville

WANDA

Where lotsa guys are tough

And they like to prove it

JULIE

No beatin’ Tromaville

BOZO and SLUGGO

And if you’re in our way

You better move it!

 

BOZO, SLUGGO, JULIE, WANDA

So sweet, can’t beat

Our Tromaville!

 

JULIE

P.U. What’s that stink?

 

MELVIN

I don’t smell anything.

 

BOZO

It’s Smelvin!. Oh no, Julie! He’s stressin’ me out!

 

SLUGGO

(to MELVIN) Hey, ya big geek. Gettin’ much?

 

WANDA

Stay away from him - you’ll catch a disease!

 

MELVIN

Um, I gotta get to work. See you guys.

 

MELVIN tries to sneak off.

 

SLUGGO

Where’s da fire? We just wanna have a little fun.

 

FIGHT SCENE: SLUGGO and BOZO, enjoying themselves, give MELVIN a noogie, then rapid-punch him in the face, Three Stooges-style. Etc. JULIE and WANDA give MELVIN an “atomic” wedgie, pulling his huge underwear over his head and in front of his eyes. They toss him around until he falls. BOZO shoves the mop into his face. MELVIN crawls into a corner and pulls himself together.

 

WANDA

(aroused) That was SO rad, Sluggo.

 

The couples, aroused, have ridiculous sex in fast motion.

 

MELVIN

Each moment of my life

Is filled with toil and strife

In Tromaville USA

Where everywhere there’s slobs

And none of ‘em have jobs

In Tromaville USA

They laugh behind my back

They laugh right in my face

No matter where I hide

They’re always on my case

They love to call me freak

But I just smile and nod

They think I’m just a geek

But soon, I swear to God

I’m gonna make ‘em pay

Or else move far away
From Tromaville USA!

 

They continue going at it as Melvin’s MOM enters. Lots of make-up, hair in curlers.

 

MOM

(sweetly) Come here, honey bun. Don’t be afraid. It’s okay, sweetie pie. (MELVIN doesn’t budge.) All right, Melvin, move it!

 

MOM grabs MELVIN by the arm and yanks him up.

 

MOM

(sweetly) What’s the matter, pussycat?

 

MELVIN

Those morons beat me up.

 

MOM

Be a man, Melvin. I can’t look after you every minute of your life.

 

MELVIN

This place sucks.

 

MOM

Oh, c’mon. Tromaville’s not so bad.

 

It’s a friendly little town with social graces

In a world of pigs and whores, it’s a real oasis.

The people say “God Bless” when someone sneezes

And even all the Jews believe in Jesus!

 

Your father left us

Without a cent

Where else in Jersey

Could we find such low rent?

 

Our home is Tromaville.

So what if City Hall’s a little shifty?

Why roam from Tromaville?

Where I can get a perm for seven fifty?

Why roam? Our home

Is Tromaville!

 

MOM

Okay, dollface, I’m going to Price Chopper so I can make you a nice big taco when you get home from work.

 

MELVIN

With beans?!

 

MOM

Pinto beans! They’re on sale! Now kiss mama goodbye.

 

MELVIN

(reluctantly) I’m going to be late, mom.

 

MOM

Thou Shall Obey Thy Mother, Melvin. C’mon, give me some sugar.

 

MOM grabs MELVIN and plants a wet, juicy kiss on him. MELVIN tries to pull away, but she holds him firmly in place. After a while:

 

MOM

 You have fun at work, and (seductively) I’ll see you tonight, lover boy.

 

MELVIN

It’s a lousy town that’s crammed with punks and looters

And the kind of girls who flash their giant hooters

Okay, the hooters aren’t so bad, but the girls are scary

If I try to sneak a peak they call me “freakin’ fairy.”

 
That’s life in Tromaville

The kids are all depraved

And they treat me shitty.

But my diploma will

Take me all the way to Jersey City!

That’s life, no life

In Tromaville.

 

MELVIN is about to exit when SARA enters. She’s cute, with pigtails, and blind. She wears sunglasses, and has a (fake) seeing-eye poodle on a leash. BAD BLIND JOKES: She bumps into the barrel of Toxic Waste, bangs into a wall, trips over her dog, etc.  Throughout, she remains cheery and poised. MELVIN watches her, smitten.

 

 

SARA

It’s a little Shangri-La for happy people

You can hear the pretty bells from a distant steeple

Where the air is sweet with smells and I adore them

(smelling MELVIN) And all the other smells, well, I ignore them.

 

Who needs Passaic

Or Hackensack?
I went to Camden

Couldn’t wait to get back!

  My home is Tromaville.

No matter what they say, you can’t compare it

Forever Tromaville

If only I could find some guy to share it.

My plan, one man

And Tromaville!

 

MELVIN

Hello, Sara.

 

SARA

(sweetly) I thought I smelled something. Hello, Melvin.

 

SLUGGO

Hey, dere’s that blind chick. Let’s ravish ‘er!

 

WANDA

(pulling him on top of her) Back to work, big guy.

 

SARA

Now, c’mon Puddle. Lift your leg and go pee pee.

 

Enter CHIEF OF POLICE, in a Nazi-flavored uniform.

 

MELVIN

Hello, Chief!

 

SARA

Is that our beloved Chief of Police?

 

CHIEF

Hello, mein kinder!

 

SARA and MELVIN

Sing something for us, Chief!

 

CHIEF

Since the Fatherland collapsed I’ve been downhearted

Then I found this little town, and things got started!

If they don’t know who you are, there’s no subpoena

And the weather’s nicer here than Argentina!

 

He does a strange dance – a sort of goose-step Fosse.

 

Forget your Frankfurt

This town’s more fun!

In just a few years

Jersey domination!

Saluting Tromaville

Now “Troma Uber Alles” is my ditty

And for a special thrill

I take a limo to Atlantic City!

No strife, new life in Tromaville!

 

MELVIN

I liked your little dance.

 

 MAYOR

(entering, to the audience) Hello, Tromaville!

 

MELVIN

Hello, Mr. Mayor!

 

MAYOR

Get lost, loser.

 

CHIEF

Good afternoon, mien Mayor. I’ve been looking for you all over town.

 

MAYOR

Got the hots for me, brownshirt?

 

The MAYOR tickles the CHIEF. The CHIEF giggles.

 

CHIEF

I admire you, Mr. Mayor. I respect your power. And your ambition! You have turned Tromaville into the Toxic Waste Dump Capitol of ze Vorld! And this is only the beginning!

 

Suddenly, the MAYOR notices the barrel of Toxic Waste.

 

MAYOR

WHY IS THIS BARREL OF TOXIC CHEMICALS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN?

 

JULIE and BOZO disentangle. WANDA and SLUGGO keep going at it.

 

BOZO

(stressed out) It was gettin’ heavy - I swear to God!

 

MAYOR

Yeah, you looked all puckered out doing the shloobedy-boobedy with JULIE. (to JULIE)  Hey, hot dog bun. Why don’t you come by City Hall? I could use a nice, oily rub-down.

 

JULIE

You got it, meatloaf!

 

MAYOR

(to BOZO) Where’s the rest of the barrels?

 

BOZO

De’re still on da truck.

 

MAYOR

Wanna stay on the payroll, pal?  Get that thing out of here pronto!

 

BOZO

Da old waterfront factory is full, Mr. Mayor. We’re running out of room!

 

MAYOR

Stash ‘em someplace where there’s lots of other trash - so no one’ll notice. (noticing JULIE, he gets an idea) Like Tromaville High.

 

BOZO

What if the principal sees me?! I’ll get DETENTION!

 

MAYOR

Listen, clown, there’s plenty of punks in this town who’d blow-dry the hair on my back for your job. You too, Sluggo! Quit with the fucci-facci and hand over my cash.

 

SLUGGO

(with WANDA still on top of him) I can’t stop her!

 

In her excitement, WANDA makes ridiculous noises, like bird calls. Suddenly, it’s over and she collapses.

     

MAYOR

(to WANDA) Hey, hot sauce. Why dontcha shimmy down to my office, too? (pulling JULIE in) We can have a sleazy threesie.

 

The MAYOR slips a few bills into the girls’ clothing.

 

SLUGGO

(handing him a lunch box) Here ya go, Belgoody. Da spoils.

 

MAYOR

(opens the lunch box and counts the money inside) You been snorting the profits again!

 

SLUGGO

I ain’t sold it all yet!

 

MAYOR

Well, get your skinny behind down to Tromaville Elementary School before recess starts.

 

SLUGGO

Done, daddio.

 

MAYOR

What kind of place you deadbeats think I’m running here?

 

It’s a trendy little spot for relaxation

We’re New Jersey’s new vacation destination

I promised you when I became your Mayor

That you’d get a better tan without the ozone layer.

  This town was bankrupt

Deep in the slumps

I got elected

MAYOR and CHEIF

Now there’s toxic waste dumps!

 

MAYOR

Make way for Tromaville

There’s flunkies selling drugs and junkies paying!

In carcinoma-ville

An enterprising guy can make a slaying!

Make way, big pay

In Tromaville!

 

MOM reenters with a Price-Chopper grocery bag and a new hairdo.

 

 

CITIZENS

Hail to thee, Mayor Belgoody

Better Life Through Chemistry!

Though they try to desecrate

Our beloved Garden State

We defend the germs and swill

Prospering in Tromaville.

 

SLUGGO

T is for the Toxic waste they dump here!

WANDA and JULIE

R is for the Rodents that run free!

CHIEF

O is for the Ozone ve destroy here!

MAYOR

M is for the Moolah-Makin’ Me!

(That’s right—Me!)

BOZO

E is for the…

MELVIN

(correcting him) A--

BOZO

A is for the A-holes that upset me!

SARA

V is for the Vi-o-lets I smell!

MOM

I is for the Inexpensive cheese logs!

MELVIN

Low-Lifes are the L’s

Who give me hell!

BOZO

E is for…

 

CITIZENS

E must stand for Everyone who stays here

From Nursery until the Nursing Home

Put it all together it spells Tromaville

The place that we are proud to call our home.

 

MAYOR

The place I’m proud…

CHIEF

That I’m relieved…

SLUGGO

That I am stoked…

 

MOM

That could be worse…

BOZO

That I, um…

WANDA

That’s wicked rad…

JULIE

That I am pumped…

SARA

That I just love…

MELVIN

That I am forced…

CITIZENS

To call my home!

  Why roam? Our home

Is Tromaville!!