SCENE FOUR
Lady Clem’s House. She lies on a divan, covered in flannels. Books, medicines and other items clutter every exposed surface. LORD ARTHUR enters.
LADY CLEM
Well, young man, have you come to apologize for your brutal mistreatment of me? In a public arena, no less?
LORD ARTHUR
That is among my objectives, yes.
LADY CLEM
What has taken you so long?
LORD ARTHUR
I’m awfully sorry, Lady Clem. So much is astir.
LADY CLEM
I haven’t the faintest idea why young people make such a fuss about marriage. What’s a wedding but dresses and vows and the rest of it? And of course, the cake.
LORD ARTHUR
Despite a bustling schedule, I did not neglect my dear aunt.
LADY CLEM
I suppose that you go about all day long now with Miss Sybil Merton, buying chiffons and talking nonsense?
LORD ARTHUR
I visited with Sybil for a brief moment only, this noon in St. James Park.
LADY CLEM
In my day, we never dreamed of billing and cooing in public – or in private, for that matter.
(a beat, then) We were circumcised.
LORD ARTHUR
Surely you mean circumspect, my dear Aunt.
LADY CLEM
Have you come here to correct my phraseology?
LORD ARTHUR
You may trust that my behavior with Sybil was most proper. And now she belongs entirely to her milliners.
LADY CLEM
Is that the reason you chose to visit an ugly old woman like myself?
LORD ARTHUR
You look splendid, my dear. Like a Titian.
LADY CLEM
(flattery moves her to self-pity) I am alone, Arthur. A poor, rheumatic creature, with a false front and a bad temper. Were it not for Jane Percy, who sends me all the worst French novels she can find, I don’t think I could get through the day.
LORD ARTHUR
Has your doctor paid a visit of late?
LADY CLEM
Doctors are of no use at all, nephew. Not even the most obsequious has cured my heartburn.
LORD ARTHUR
I’ve brought you something for that, Lady Clem.
LADY CLEM
(eagerly) You’ve become a chemist?
LORD ARTHUR
Heavens, no. I did glance through “Pharmacopoeia” at my club, but I found the symbols disorienting.
LADY CLEM
The fact is, although I hate doctors, I adore medicines!
LORD ARTHUR
This is a wonderful gelatin capsule, invented by an American.
LADY CLEM
The Americans invented the steam engine, did they not? I abhor the steam engine.
LORD ARTHUR
I believe they modified the British design.
LADY CLEM
No doubt to make it cheaper and faster.
LORD ARTHUR
They do have a few awfully good things in America, Auntie.
LADY CLEM
That is unlikely. After all, they are the people responsible for the artificial leg.
LORD ARTHUR
Is that so?
LADY CLEM
The artificial leg is absurd, Arthur. Anyone who loses a leg should be isolated from society – and not rewarded with a wooden substitute.
LORD ARTHUR
There is nothing at all absurd about this medicine, Lady Clem. I assure you it is a perfect cure. You must promise to try it.
LORD ARTHUR takes a small silver box out of his pocket and hands it to LADY CLEM.
LADY CLEM
What a charming bonbonnierre, Arthur.
LORD ARTHUR
A token of my regard.
LADY CLEM
Very appropriate. And inside is the capsule? (eagerly opening the box) Hallo - a bonbon!
LORD ARTHUR
That is most definitely not a bonbon, Lady Clem.
LADY CLEM removes the capsule.
LADY CLEM
It looks scrumptious. I shall have it at once!
LORD ARTHUR grabs her by the hand.
LORD ARTHUR
You mustn’t do anything of the kind!
LADY CLEM
Calm yourself, boy. The variety and quantity of medicines I have consumed are too numerous to be catalogued, even in your “Pharmacopoeia.”
LORD ARTHUR
But this is - this is a homeopathic medicine, Lady Clem. If you take it without having heartburn, it will do you no end of harm.
LADY CLEM
What manner of harm?
LORD ARTHUR
I’m not certain.
LADY CLEM
(dismissively) I suppose this is an American theory.
LORD ARTHUR
Wait until you have an attack and then take it. You will be astonished at the result.
LADY CLEM
It looks lovely!
She moves the capsule toward her mouth, but notices LORD ARTHUR ready to pounce.
LADY CLEM
(disappointed) However, if you insist, I shall save it until my next incident.
She returns the capsule to the bonbonniere.
LORD ARTHUR
And when will that be?
LADY CLEM
One never knows.
LORD ARTHUR
Will it be soon?
LADY CLEM
What is your inference, sir?
LORD ARTHUR
My only concern is the disturbing frequency of your episodes, Lady Clem.
LADY CLEM
I did have a very bad heartburn this morning, but I attributed that to the wretched soup.
LORD ARTHUR
Would you classify this morning’s discomfort as an outright attack - an ambush, as it were - or merely a skirmish?
LADY CLEM
Arthur, you have teased me with medicines that look like sweets. And now, a foray into military metaphor. What are your motives, man?
LORD ARTHUR
To assure the well-being of a venerable relation.
LADY CLEM
(yielding) Often, I’ve found your manners wanting, nephew, and have not hesitated to protest. But this afternoon, Arthur, I find you pleasingly attentive.
LORD ARTHUR
Any improvement you notice in my behavior, dear Aunt, I attribute to your unrelenting rebuke.
LADY CLEM
I share credit with Sybil, who has obviously done you a great deal of good.
LORD ARTHUR
(wistfully) Indeed she has. Everything I do, I do for her. And for Lady Windermere.
LADY CLEM
Now you must run, young man. Tonight, I am dining with some very dull members of the Lower House who will talk of nothing but fashion. If I don’t get my sleep now, I shall never keep awake during dinner. Adieu, Arthur. And thank you so much for the American medicine.
LORD ARTHUR
It’s the least I can do for a cherished Aunt.
LADY CLEM
I must say, your behavior today gives me hope that at long last, you have become a respectable English gentleman.
LORD ARTHUR
Thank you, madam.
LADY CLEM
With that wisdom, I may go to my grave in peace.
LORD ARTHUR
I am only too pleased to oblige. You won’t forget to take the capsule, will you Lady Clem?
LADY CLEM
Of course not. But I believe my condition is improving.
LORD ARTHUR
You’re feeling - better?
LADY CLEM
(sweetly) Yes, my dear silly boy. And I have you to thank.
LORD ARTHUR
(anxiously) But you’re sure to have an attack by the end of the month?
LADY CLEM
Be gone! |
